A GOURMET IN HYPERSPACE
A novel inspired by the question, What if we accustomed ourselves to act in accord with reason and science?
by
Eion McRae
THEMES
[Man] is still far from having accustomed himself
to act as reason and science would dictate.
--- Feodor Dostoevsky "Notes from Underground"
There are virtually no nutrients in animal-based
foods that are not better provided by plants.
--- T. Colin Campbell "The China Study"
L'avenir de l'homme, c'est la femme.
(The future of man is woman.)
--- Louis Aragon (Attributed, French postcard inscription)
BLURB
A Francophile gourmet struggles to adapt to an alien universe in which menus are healthy vegan, feminism is ascendant, and reason and science prevail by law.
PROLOG
United Nations General Assembly
Secretary-General's 1987 Prohibition Day all-nation conference-video address
Complete with excised material restored by Wikileaks
"It is Prohibition Day, Wednesday 1 April 1987, and all is well on the planet Earth in the universe u. For this blessed circumstance we join in giving thanks to the goddess Gaea, Mother Earth, symbol of Earth as a single living entity.
"In the sixty-seven years since u separated from its identical-twin universe U, we people and nations of u have become accustomed to act as dictated by science and reason, which is to say in a manner calculated to promote the health and happiness of humankind and the wellbeing of Gaea Herself.
"As a result of policies based on science and reason, fears of runaway overpopulation have been set to rest, the land, the seas and the atmosphere of Earth have been restored to the salubrious, self-sustaining state that prevailed prior to the Industrial Revolution, and markers of the human condition such as reduced body size, overall health, and intellectual/technical attainment have improved to an extent barely imaginable sixty-seven years ago.
"Today it falls to us to salute the prime example of these enlightened policies, namely the18th Amendment to the United States Constitution--the Prohibition Amendment--which in line with science and reason prohibits commerce in animal milk and other harmful and expensive foodstuffs such as meat, fish, eggs and cheese. From the day it went into effect in 1920, Prohibition has been the target of protests and vilification from people profiting from such commerce in or addicted to such fare, but science and reason prevailed and similar laws were soon adopted and continue in force in every one of the nations sufficiently rational to qualify for membership in this body.
"But even as we celebrate Prohibition as a triumph of rational policy, we admit that there is an aura of mystery enshrouding its origin. The fact that Prohibition went into effect on the very day u split apart from U has prompted questions that have stymied our best thinkers from Albert Einstein to Eleanor Roosevelt: Was this sheer coincidence, or is there a logical connection between the two events? Did Prohibition take hold also in U? Is it possible—as frequently suggested in the tabloid press—that a message or even a material body might be transmitted through the vast reaches of hyperspace between U and u? These questions as yet lie beyond the scope of science, and possibly beyond the scope of human reason as well—uh, just a moment, urgent message—
[Good Gaea! At this very moment we have a report of a possible U-person sighting here in the United States! In New Jersey’s Newark International Airport! Tall, overweight/obese adult human, male, attempting to board a flight to Paris, France!]
Scrub that, probably a hoax. So where was I? Oh yes, aura of mystery. Don't worry, it'll still be with us next Prohibition Day. Until then, goodbye and may Gaea bless you all!
SYNOPSIS
Words and Expressions Commonly Used in u
Gaea Earth goddess, personification of the earth as a single living entity. Often invoked in exclamations such as Gaeadamn! and OMG!
Dimensionally disadvantaged Politically correct term for a tall or overweight person.
Virgin Priestess of Gaea (often simply Priestess) Member of a respected order of women pledged to aid the dimensionally disadvantaged wherever they may be found, such as in illegal restaurants, hospitals, prisons, insane asylums etc.
Prohibition The 18th Amendment to the United States Constitution (1920) prohibiting commerce in milk, cheese, eggs, meat, fish and all other expensive animal-based products represented as food for humans. Also, similar edicts in other nations.
Second Enlightenment The regime of science and reason that began in America with the passage of Prohibition.
Milkic Person addicted to milk.
Prohibited substance (often simply Substance) An animal-based product represented as food for humans.
User Consumer of substances.
Ancillary substance A material serving to dilute substances so as to mitigate their harm or make them more palatable, such as infusions of tea (especially Assam tea) to dilute milk .
PROFATPOL International Protein and Fat Police, a corps dedicated to enforcement of Prohibition.
CHAOS AND OUCH Acronym for diseases caused or exacerbated by consumption of substances, ranging from the life threatening (Cancer, Heart disease) through the seriously debilitating (Arthritis, Diabetes, Osteoporosis) to the merely painful and embarrassing (Constipation, Hemorrhoids).
Düngermischmaschine Composting toilet that actually works.
Überdüngermischmaschine Heavy-duty düngermischmaschine, mandated for places where users might be present such as illegal restaurants, hospitals, prisons, insane asylums etc.
Humanure Human waste matter.
Chumanure Composted humanure.
Om Omnibus communication system with sound-canceling technology.
Vex Voice text, a capability of om.
Piglet Small, agile, highly intelligent breed of swine valued as a pet for its human-friendly temperament and its preference for a vegan diet.
Elevation Tip-toe posture adopted by one person to express respect for another.
Holovision (HV) Three-dimensional TV.
HV Opera Minus Two (HVO -- 2) HV recording of opera scenes omitting images of two principals.
Stinkpot Vehicle powered by internal combustion of fossil or similar fuel, usually mounted on pneumatic-tired wheels.
Tweel Automobile wheel designed for ideal maneuverability without sacrifice of smooth ride. A successor of the pneumatic-tired wheel.
Hycell Automobile powered by hydrogen fuel cell, mounted on tweels.
War on substances Strenuous quasi-military effort on the part of the United States to enforce Prohibition.
Substance Czarina/Czar United States Cabinet officer with special authority over Prohibition-related matters including the conduct of the war on substances.
Polyandry A method of human population control in which a woman takes multiple husbands.
Dipmom Diploma of motherhood, certifying that the holder is a woman entitled to engage in polyandry and who accepts responsibility for the upbringing and elementary education of her offspring. Also, holder of such diploma.
Assiette Noire Celebratory meal at which the guest of honor, usually elderly, infirm and/or impecunious but of sound mind, elects to commit suicide by eating a highly palatable, highly toxic mushroom traditionally served on a black plate. Promoted as a means of countering overpopulation and for helping balance youthful and aged segments of society.
Prison Simone Weil French national prison complex in which persons guilty of minor food-related offences are rehabilitated by a medically supervised water-only fast.
Prison Fernand Point Special French prison for well-connected, non-violent gourmets.
Main Characters in the Novel
Alenby Faintwether Hoggett IV, U-born American stunt driver, 45, 5-91/2, 180, an effete, over-educated (Rowan Hamilton Academy, Princeton, Oxford) gourmet with a particular leaning to the traditional regional cuisines of France. Skin color pale gray. Body shape softly rounded, hinting at abundant subcutaneous fat. Concerned with the health problems that afflict many middle-aged American men in U, he habitually carries an assortment of medications to maintain wellness. He wears a homburg and dresses conservatively in woolen jackets and slacks of exquisite though unfashionable cut. He is in the process of boarding Air France Flight 4 to Paris with a view to indulge his gustatory passions when he inadvertently undergoes the U-to-u transition that sets the story in motion.
Ada Lynch, lubricious American biochemist, 65, 5-1, 100, President of the Washington-based public-interest group NixTwinkies seeking to strengthen enforcement of Prohibition and widen its scope to include low-nutrient refined foods. She aspires to be appointed Substance Czarina, a cabinet post with responsibility for all matters to do with Prohibition including the conduct of the war on substances. Strongly attracted to men, including especially dimensionally disadvantaged men, she customarily spends summers with one or other of her many lovers in her chic apartment in a rambling old mansion known as Chateau Mourey in Chezelet, a hamlet near Richelieu in North-Central France.
Willa 't Hellenbach, influential, fiendishly knowledgeable Dutch journalist widely respected for her coldly logical, incisive, occasionally devastating comments on public affairs.
Professor Ducru (born Paul D Beaucaillou), renowned French biochemist (Légion d’Honneur, etc), Founder and Director Emeritus of the Ducru Institute of Biochemistry, 87, 5-4 (5-8 if straightened out), 105, semi-estranged father of Ada. As a 1920 postdoc at Texas A&M, discovered the carcinogenic properties of cow's milk and narrowly escaped a vengeful posse of the Texas Cowmen's Association under a changed name which he retains. A playful polymath with interests ranging from number theory to food preparation/nutrition as well as current advances in biochemistry, he lives and works in an apartment in Château Mourey that is separate from and far less chic than Ada's.
Georges, a pet piglet (small breed of swine), subject of a custody dispute between Ada and Professor Ducru. Georges loves both humans but inclines to Professor Ducru.
Catherine Aurore Thérèse Cava (La Catalane, The Cat), powerful, unscrupulous French politician, Mayor of Richelieu and Deputy in the National Assembly, 70, 5-1, 100. In Richelieu she lives in a luxurious apartment above her place of business, a soy-products emporium called Kitty Kat Salon located on the town square. She is a long-time lover of Professor Ducru, with whom she enjoys participating in HVO -- 2 sex scenes.
Jean-Pierre Picpoul (Le Cèpe), French chef, 50, 5-3, 160. Addicted to substances, dimensionally disadvantaged, suffers with various CHAOS AND OUCH conditions. Under threat of arrest for substance-related offenses, he has made a deal with PROFATPOL to operate the swanky Restaurant Le Gardon Frit as a sting operation using dreary, unprofitable Hôtel-Restaurant Le Gardon as a front.
Olympe Montrachet-Picpoul, French restaurateuse, 45, 5-5, 115, sister Le Cèpe by adoption, part-owner and operator of Hôtel-Restaurant Le Gardon. Born in Paris into the wealthy, aristocratic Montrachet family, but after her parents were convicted of substance related crimes, was sent away to live with impoverished Picpoul relatives. Passed rigorous examinations to be a Priestess but was disqualified by the maximum-height requirement. Discontented with her situation as a lonely menopausal virgin seemingly fated to endure a life of drudgery, she dreams of escape to adventure, love and laughter such as she had glimpsed in her cosseted childhood.
Cleopatra (Cleo) Kirwan, African-American high-school student, 15 (represents herself as 17), 4-11, 90. Winner of the American Historical Society’s Junior Genius award for original research chronicling the history of the early days of Prohibition, she seeks contact with the person formerly known as Paul D. Beaucaillou to question him about his involvement in the Second Enlightenment.
Isador (Izzy) Bott, American physician 35, 5-4, 120, in France on a PROFATPOL contract to rehabilitate substance users. Calm, honest, idealistic, can be relied on for accurate medical advice and sensible, mainstream opinions.Leonard (Leo) Barton, American academic 35, 5-4, 120, in France to work on PROFATPOL promotional materials. Flashy egotist with a flair for self promotion.
Jules César and his wife Lucretia, caretakers at Château Mourey.
Quasi-historial Characters
Edith Bolling, American businesswoman, Washington insider and socialite born 1872. As second wife of President Woodrow Wilson, she was United States First Lady 1915-1921.
In u after 1920: She reinstated the League of Nations, defended Prohibition and, following a secret affair with scientist Paul D Beaucaillou, led the worldwide drive to apply science and reason in human affairs that is now known as the Second Enlightenment. Rallied women--newly enfranchised by the 19th Amendment,1920--to claim their rightful place of influence in public life. Served as President of the United States,1924-1936.
Maurice Edmond Sailland (Curnonsky), French food and wine writer and gastronome born 1872. Founder of the Academy of Gastronomes and himself crowned Prince of Gastronomes, a tireless promoter as well as consumer of regional French cuisine.
In u, after Prohibition became law in France in 1928: He and his fellow Academicians were arrested on substance charges and sentenced to life in Prison Fernand Point in Richelieu, an inmate-run institution for eminent gourmets. In prison, he served and still serves as Superintendant, and as such is responsible for maintenance, at his own expense, of the institution's cuisine at the level of excellence which the inmates are accustomed.
Main Plot
Shortly after making his transition through hyperspace to the universe u, Francophile gourmet Alenby Faintwether Hoggett IV meets slim, lubricious public-interest promoter Ada Lynch on a flight to France, and at Ada's instigation the two become lovers despite Alenby's impotence and other physical deficiencies attributable to his sybaritic lifestyle. In France, Alenby is shocked to discover a disagreeable truth: in u, indulgence in the gastronomical delights he'd anticipated, based as they are on substances injurious to health like milk, meat, eggs, cheese etc, is generally considered contrary to science and reason and consequently prohibited by law.
With Ada's encouragement he adapts to his new situation in u, realizing to the full his innate capacity for health, virility and the enjoyment of life. Meanwhile, Ada is tempted by Alenby's eloquent accounts of the pleasures to be had from prohibited substances, but she refrains from indulging in them out of respect for the prohibition law. Later, however, she convinces herself and then the nations that any law that dictates what a person may not eat is contrary to science and reason, and so must be repealed.
In the end, Ada and Alenby are glimpsed on their separate paths to fulfillment: she, with Le Cèpe, engaged in unrestricted appreciation of the old-fashioned French art of eating; he, with Olympe, cavorting to the slinky, steamy rhythm of the tango.
Subplot
Precocious high-school student Cleopatra Kirwan has made a splash in the field of American history by identifying obscure young French scientist Paul D Beaucaillou as an influential figure in the adoption of science and reason as guiding principles in the early years of Prohibition. Nothing has been heard of Beaucaillou since he quietly disappeared in 1924, but now Cleo has evidence that he is the biological father of Ada Lynch. In order to pick up the historical trail of the shadowy savant, Cleo secretly follows Ada to France and eventually to Château Mourey, where Beaucaillou has lived for decades as Professor Ducru, a prominent biochemist. Cleo's secret plans succeed, except they were not secret to Professor Ducru--he had been on to her every move--but their lives intertwine in perfect accord with science and reason.
CONTENTS
Part 1
Chapter 1.1 Alenby's Transition
Chapter 1.2 Ada: Convictions and Doubts
Chapter 1.3 Alenby: Champagne and Chocolate
Chapter 1.4 Ada: Intrigue
Chapter 1.5 Olympe and Cleo: Hope
Chapter 1.6 The Big Split
Chapter 1.7 Ada's Nightmare
Chapter 1.8 Feminine Suzerainty
Chapter 1.9 Professor Ducru Ideates
Chapter 1.10 Arrivals in Paris
Chapter 1.11 Seduction in F Major
Chapter 1.12 Silk and Money
Chapter 1.13 Cleo and Olympe: Aspirations
Chapter 1.14 Farting Etiquette
Chapter 1.15 The Düngermischmaschine
Chapter 1.16 Breakfast at Le Gardon
Chapter 1.17 An Unlawful Evasion
Chapter 1.18 Georges Ingratiates
Chapter 1.19 Izzy and Cleo: Intuition and Perception
Chapter 1.20 Sunshine and Micronutrients
Chapter 1.21 Alenby Abandoned
Part 2
Chapter 2.1 Alenby Incarcerated
Chapter 2.2 A Tour of the Hexagon
Chapter 2.3 Cleo Strikes Milk
Chapter 2.4 Olympe Intervenes
Chapter 2.5 Ada in Turmoil
Chapter 2.6 Alenby to the Rescue
Chapter 2.7 Breakfast at Château Mourey
Chapter 2.8 Ada's Triumph and Transit
Chapter 2.9 Two Tango
***
"A Gourmet in Hyperspace" is a work of fiction, but the health, conservation and nutrition issues in it are real.
Copyright Eion McRae 2009.
All rights reserved.